I feel in abundance of birthdays for some reason! They seem to be coming together faster and faster each year, like the years are whirlwinding around me!
And you, Elle, turning 10. FINALLY you say!! This has been the big digits you've been striving for since you were...8?! So here we are. And there's still a line you haven't crossed, but one you are balancing on. One side is this small, sweet little girl with big smiles and so much kindness, the other is someone more cautious, more reserved, held back a little, with the world's problems weighted on your shoulders. And I try to hold your hand as best as I can as you teeter along this disappearing rope, and part of you wants to reach your hand out, and the other part of you wants to be independent and travel this path alone. And I get that, we have to discover ourselves as we grow. I do feel I have lost a little part of you along the way, and it saddens my heart.
This year you have had to say goodbye to your dearest friend as she moved across the seas, and it's a pain that is deep rooted in you that no one can seem to touch. You have always had someone special in your life, you're not one for lots and lots of friends. You cherish the few and keep them close to you. This year you have been vulnerable, my heart aches as I see you walk up the school lane, not the confident little girl you were, but a shadow of. Your friends rally around you and yet you can't seem to see them, your inner thoughts too consuming and grabbing hold.
But you are so loved and cherished. When I hear you upstairs shrieking with glee with your brother and sister, or you make some crazy nonsense joke that is utterly ridiculous yet seems to have you in stitches. Your laugh still fills whatever room and surrounding rooms you are in, it is such a joy to hear. And I listen to you playing make-believe with your lego creations and you are dynamic and animated, lost in your little world of pure joy.
These moments remind me you are still my little girl, and you come and fold yourself up into me for some love or reassurance- and I cherish these times.
Your sensitivity to life hasn't changed, and your endearing nature. Watching wildlife programs and being in floods of tears over the world's demise because of our ever-growing population; demanding to know what we can do to make a change. You have always been so determined and strong-minded when you set your heart on something, and your passion is infectious. You have so much empathy, the pain and hurt you feel is so encompassing it has a knock-on effect on everyone. I just want to wrap you up and take away that intense hurt that you feel. I see a lot of myself in you at this age, seeming to feel every emotion under the sun, reading people's faces and body language for clues of how they are feeling. That immense need to help. You continue to be one of the most thoughtful people I know, always putting others and their feelings before your own, to the point where you worry so much about everyone and if they are OK. You are so incredibly polite, and always on hand to help out without any grumbling.
These last few months have been hard for you. I feel you are battling with who you are, and a little bit of sparkle has gone out along the way. You said to me the other day, so quietly, 'I don't think I should have put my arms out when acting out my performance on stage. I did it for attention." And I said to you "Eloise- you were born for the stage. You have a commanding presence, you are so captivating to watch, and you hold the audience in the palm of your hand. You shine so brightly up there, you are at one with yourself, you bask in the smiles, the cheers, the applause." And this is the Eloise I have always known- the one who beams so brightly both on and off stage. The one that loves the attention. This is the Eloise that took a step back, quietly watching and observing. Trying to figure it all out.
I know you will find your inner light again, you have so much love to give, so much of yourself to share. You have already started that big climb in search of yourself, and I smile when I see you being your goofy self, being the clown, chattering away, a care-free bird. More of this will come with time, I know it. You, my wonderful creation, are destined for greatness. xx