The Last Chapter of Little

It’s been quite some time since you were little, when your little legs would race to keep up with mine. Now, you easily glide ahead with your longer stride, and its me now trying to keep up with you. It feels like we’re coming to the end of the chapter of childhood. In just 12 short months, you’ll be legally considered an adult. Which terrifies me as I am not at all ready to let you go into that big wide world out there!

People keep telling me to get myself ready.  For the day is nearing when perhaps you will choose to spread your wings and fly away. And I can’t. How could I possibly prepare for something so huge? Something that would both leave a huge hole in my heart but also make it swell so much with pride at the extraordinary young woman you are becoming.

I learn so much from you, my firstborn. We’ve both grown so much on this journey, and I’ll continue adapting, changing, learning. The past year you’ve felt heartache and heartbreak. You’ve laughed until your sides ached and cried until you couldn't anymore and for once, you’ve allowed yourself to feel it all freely. As much as it hurts to see you in pain, there has been a relief that you are finally letting go and embracing all that is you.

Your little dances of joy, your striking blue eyes on fire when something has really made you happy, those moments lift me inside and I feel your joy like it’s my own. You make me laugh so much: your silly voices, the sharp comments, your occasional (and hilarious) lack of logic, your absolute adoration for animals. Your loyalty to your friends is fierce. You’re slowly learning that sometimes, you give too much of yourself to others, when those who need you most are closer to home.

You’ve pushed yourself way out of your comfort zone, getting a job and putting yourself out there, things I know take so much energy and courage from you. There's still a wall around you as you hide from the outside world your most vulnerable self, and I do hope that with time and self-belief, your walls wont be so high. 

You continue to amaze us with your endless talents and others further afield are starting to notice too, asking for special commissions, illustrations, and personalised portraits. Everything you do seems effortless, even the henna tattoos you’ve drawn on your friends (and every inch of yourself!). Give me the tube of dye and I'd end up with a blobby mess, but there you are, sketching delicate lilies with detailed shading from a cut-off piece of tubing. I honestly can’t.

Your future? You’re not sure yet. There’s so much for you to see, do, and learn about yourself. This next year, keep pushing. Keep stretching those boundaries. And then, you’ll soar. The world will be yours.

Seventeen years. That’s a long time to love someone so fiercely. To watch them grow from soft baby skin, to painted nails and beautifully curated eyelashes.
A thousand tiny goodbyes I’ve been saying without even realising. Every hug I get from you I hold on just a little bit longer as for now, you still belong to me xx